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暖暖的河流 Warm River(第2/6页)

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“Fatherisamastermechanic,”Gretchenwhiseredtome。“Heworksintherailroadshos。”

“Yes,”hesaidafterawhile。“Ivelivedinmanylaces,buthereiswhereIwishtostay。”

Myfirstthoughtwastoaskhimwhyhereferredthemountainstoothersections,butsuddenlyIwasawarethatbothheandGretchenwerestrangelysilent。Betweenthem,Isatwonderingaboutit。

Afterawhilehesokeagain,nottomeandnottoGretchen,butasthoughhewereseakingtosomeoneelseontheorch,afourthersonwhomIhadfailedtoseeinthedarkness。Iwaited,tenseandexcited,forhimtocontinue。

Gretchenmovedherchairafewinchesclosertomine,hermotionsgentleandwithoutsound。Thewarmthoftherivercameuandcovereduslikeablanketonachillnight。

“AfterGretchenandtheothertwogirlslosttheirmother,”hesaid,almostinaudibly,bendingforwardoverhiskneesandgazingoutacrossthebroadgreenriver,“afterwelosttheirmother,Icamebacktothemountainstolive。Icouldn’tstayinNorfolk,andIcouldn’tstanditinBaltimore。ThiswastheonlylaceonearthwhereIcouldfindeace。Gretchenremembershermother,butneitherofyoucanyetunderstandhowitiswithme。HermotherandIwerebornhereinthemountains,andwelivedheretogetherforalmosttwentyyears。Thenaftersheleftus,Imovedaway,foolishlybelievingthatIcouldforget。ButIwaswrong。OfcourseIwaswrong。Amancantforgetthemotherofhischildren,eventhoughheknowshewillneverseeheragain。”

Gretchenleanedclosertome,andIcouldnotkeemyeyesfromherdarklyframedrofilebesideme。Theriverbelowusmadenosound,butthewarmthofitsvaorwouldnotletmeforgetthatitwasstillthere。

Herfatherhadbentfartherforwardinhischairuntilhisarmswererestingonhisknees,andheseemedtobetryingtoseesomeoneontheothersideoftheriver,highonthemountaintoaboveit。Hiseyesstrained,andtheshaftoflightthatcamethroughtheoendoorwayfelluonthemandglistenedthere。Tearsfellfromhisfacelikefragmentsofstars,burningintohisquiveringhandsuntiltheywereoutofsight。

Presently,stillinsilence,hegotuandmovedthroughthedoorway。HishugeshadowfelluonGretchenandmeashestoodtheremomentarilybeforegoinginside。Iturnedandlookedtowardhimbut,eventhoughhewasassingfromsight,Icouldnotkeemyeyesuonhim。

Gretchenleanedcloseragainstme,squeezingherfingersintothehollowofmyhandandtouchingmyshoulderwithhercheeksasthoughsheweretryingtowiesomethingfromthem。Herfathersfootstesgrewfainter,andatlastwecouldnolongerhearhim。

Somewherebelowus,alongthebankoftheriver,anexresstraincrasheddownthevalley,creakingandscreamingthroughthenight。Occasionallyitslightsflashedthroughtheoeningsinthedarkness,dancingonthebroadgreenriverlikeolarlightsinthenorth,andthemetallicechoofitssteelrumbledagainstthehighwallsofthemountains。Gretchenclasedherhandstightlyovermyhand,tremblingtoherfingertis。

“Richard,whydidyoucometoseeme?”

Hervoicewasmingledwiththescreamingmetallicechoofthetrainthatnowseemedfaroff。

Ihadexectedtofindherlookinguintomyface,butwhenIturnedtoher,Isawthatshewasgazingfardownintothevalley,downintothewarmwatersoftheriver。SheknewwhyIhadcome,butshedidnotwishtohearmesaywhyIhad。

IdidnotknowwhyIhadcometoseeher,now。IhadlikedGretchen,andIhaddesiredheraboveanyoneelseIknew。ButIcouldnottellherthatIlovedher,afterhavingheardherfatherseakoflove。IwassorryIhadcome,nowafterhavingheardhimseakofGretchensmotherashedid。IknewGretchenwouldgiveherselftome,becauseshelovedme;butIhadnothingtogiveherinreturn。Shewasbeautiful,verybeautiful,andIhaddesiredher。Thatwasbefore。Now,IknewthatIcouldneveragainthinkofherasIhadcomereared。

“Whydidyoucome,Richard?”

“Why?”

“Yes,Richard;why?”

Myeyesclosed,andwhatIfeltwasthememoryofthestar-ointedlightstwinklingdowninthevalleyandthewarmthoftheriverflowingbelowandthecaressofherfingersasshetouchedmyarm。

“Richard,leasetellmewhyyoucame。”

“IdontknowwhyIcame,Gretchen。”

“Ifyouonlylovedme。asIloveyou,Richard,youwouldknowwhy。”

Herfingerstrembledinmyhand。Iknewshelovedme。Therehadbeennodoubtinmymindfromthefirst。Gretchenlovedme。

“PerhasIshouldnothavecome,”Isaid。“Imadeamistake,Gretchen。Ishouldhavestayedaway。”

“Butyouwillbehereonlyfortonight,Richard。Youareleavingearlyinthemorning。Youarentsorrythatyoucame,forjustthisshorttime,areyou,Richard?”

“I’mnotsorrythatIamhere,Gretchen,butIshouldnothavecome。Ididn’tknowwhatIwasdoing。Ihaventanyrighttocomehere。Peolewholoveeachotheraretheonlyones-”

“Butyoudolovemejustalittle,don’tyou,Richard?Youcouldn’tossiblylovemenearlysomuchasIloveyou,butcan’tyoutellmethatyoudolovemejustalittle?I’llfeelmuchhaierafteryouhavegone,Richard。”

“Idontknow,”Isaid,trembling。

“Richard,lease-”

WithherhandsinmineIheldhertightly。SuddenlyIfeltsomethingcomingoverme,athingthatstabbedmybodywithitsquickness。Itwasasifthewordsherfatherhadutteredwerebecomingcleartome。Ihadnotrealizedbeforethattherewassuchaloveashehadsokenof。Ihadbelievedthatmenneverlovedwomeninthesamewaythatawomanlovedaman,butnowIknewtherecouldbenodifference。

Wesatsilently,holdingeachothershandsforalongtime。Itwaslongastmidnight,becausethelightsinthevalleybelowwerebeingturnedout;buttimedidnotmatter。

Gretchenclungsoftlytome,lookinguintomyfaceandlayinghercheekagainstmyshoulder。Shewasasmuchmineasawomaneverbelongstoaman,butIknewthenthatIcouldneverforcemyselftotakeadvantageofherlove,andtogoawayknowingthatIhadnotlovedherasshelovedme。IhadnotbelievedanysuchthingwhenIcame。Ihadtraveledallthatdistancetoholdherinmyarmsforafewhours,andthentoforgether,erhasforever。

Whenitwastimeforustogointothehouse,Igotuandutmyarmsaroundher。ShetrembledwhenItouchedher,butsheclungtomeastightlyasIheldher,andthehammeringofherheartdroveintome,strokeafterstroke,likeanexandingwedge,thesearsofherbreasts。

“Richard,kissmebeforeyougo,”shesaid。

Sherantothedoor,holdingitoenforme。Sheickeduthelamfromthetableandwalkedaheaduthestairstothefloorabove。

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