暖暖的河流 Warm River(第2/6页)
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“Fatherisamastermechanic,”Gretchenwhiseredtome。“Heworksintherailroadshos。”
“Yes,”hesaidafterawhile。“Ivelivedinmanylaces,buthereiswhereIwishtostay。”
Myfirstthoughtwastoaskhimwhyhereferredthemountainstoothersections,butsuddenlyIwasawarethatbothheandGretchenwerestrangelysilent。Betweenthem,Isatwonderingaboutit。
Afterawhilehesokeagain,nottomeandnottoGretchen,butasthoughhewereseakingtosomeoneelseontheorch,afourthersonwhomIhadfailedtoseeinthedarkness。Iwaited,tenseandexcited,forhimtocontinue。
Gretchenmovedherchairafewinchesclosertomine,hermotionsgentleandwithoutsound。Thewarmthoftherivercameuandcovereduslikeablanketonachillnight。
“AfterGretchenandtheothertwogirlslosttheirmother,”hesaid,almostinaudibly,bendingforwardoverhiskneesandgazingoutacrossthebroadgreenriver,“afterwelosttheirmother,Icamebacktothemountainstolive。Icouldn’tstayinNorfolk,andIcouldn’tstanditinBaltimore。ThiswastheonlylaceonearthwhereIcouldfindeace。Gretchenremembershermother,butneitherofyoucanyetunderstandhowitiswithme。HermotherandIwerebornhereinthemountains,andwelivedheretogetherforalmosttwentyyears。Thenaftersheleftus,Imovedaway,foolishlybelievingthatIcouldforget。ButIwaswrong。OfcourseIwaswrong。Amancantforgetthemotherofhischildren,eventhoughheknowshewillneverseeheragain。”
Gretchenleanedclosertome,andIcouldnotkeemyeyesfromherdarklyframedrofilebesideme。Theriverbelowusmadenosound,butthewarmthofitsvaorwouldnotletmeforgetthatitwasstillthere。
Herfatherhadbentfartherforwardinhischairuntilhisarmswererestingonhisknees,andheseemedtobetryingtoseesomeoneontheothersideoftheriver,highonthemountaintoaboveit。Hiseyesstrained,andtheshaftoflightthatcamethroughtheoendoorwayfelluonthemandglistenedthere。Tearsfellfromhisfacelikefragmentsofstars,burningintohisquiveringhandsuntiltheywereoutofsight。
Presently,stillinsilence,hegotuandmovedthroughthedoorway。HishugeshadowfelluonGretchenandmeashestoodtheremomentarilybeforegoinginside。Iturnedandlookedtowardhimbut,eventhoughhewasassingfromsight,Icouldnotkeemyeyesuonhim。
Gretchenleanedcloseragainstme,squeezingherfingersintothehollowofmyhandandtouchingmyshoulderwithhercheeksasthoughsheweretryingtowiesomethingfromthem。Herfathersfootstesgrewfainter,andatlastwecouldnolongerhearhim。
Somewherebelowus,alongthebankoftheriver,anexresstraincrasheddownthevalley,creakingandscreamingthroughthenight。Occasionallyitslightsflashedthroughtheoeningsinthedarkness,dancingonthebroadgreenriverlikeolarlightsinthenorth,andthemetallicechoofitssteelrumbledagainstthehighwallsofthemountains。Gretchenclasedherhandstightlyovermyhand,tremblingtoherfingertis。
“Richard,whydidyoucometoseeme?”
Hervoicewasmingledwiththescreamingmetallicechoofthetrainthatnowseemedfaroff。
Ihadexectedtofindherlookinguintomyface,butwhenIturnedtoher,Isawthatshewasgazingfardownintothevalley,downintothewarmwatersoftheriver。SheknewwhyIhadcome,butshedidnotwishtohearmesaywhyIhad。
IdidnotknowwhyIhadcometoseeher,now。IhadlikedGretchen,andIhaddesiredheraboveanyoneelseIknew。ButIcouldnottellherthatIlovedher,afterhavingheardherfatherseakoflove。IwassorryIhadcome,nowafterhavingheardhimseakofGretchensmotherashedid。IknewGretchenwouldgiveherselftome,becauseshelovedme;butIhadnothingtogiveherinreturn。Shewasbeautiful,verybeautiful,andIhaddesiredher。Thatwasbefore。Now,IknewthatIcouldneveragainthinkofherasIhadcomereared。
“Whydidyoucome,Richard?”
“Why?”
“Yes,Richard;why?”
Myeyesclosed,andwhatIfeltwasthememoryofthestar-ointedlightstwinklingdowninthevalleyandthewarmthoftheriverflowingbelowandthecaressofherfingersasshetouchedmyarm。
“Richard,leasetellmewhyyoucame。”
“IdontknowwhyIcame,Gretchen。”
“Ifyouonlylovedme。asIloveyou,Richard,youwouldknowwhy。”
Herfingerstrembledinmyhand。Iknewshelovedme。Therehadbeennodoubtinmymindfromthefirst。Gretchenlovedme。
“PerhasIshouldnothavecome,”Isaid。“Imadeamistake,Gretchen。Ishouldhavestayedaway。”
“Butyouwillbehereonlyfortonight,Richard。Youareleavingearlyinthemorning。Youarentsorrythatyoucame,forjustthisshorttime,areyou,Richard?”
“I’mnotsorrythatIamhere,Gretchen,butIshouldnothavecome。Ididn’tknowwhatIwasdoing。Ihaventanyrighttocomehere。Peolewholoveeachotheraretheonlyones-”
“Butyoudolovemejustalittle,don’tyou,Richard?Youcouldn’tossiblylovemenearlysomuchasIloveyou,butcan’tyoutellmethatyoudolovemejustalittle?I’llfeelmuchhaierafteryouhavegone,Richard。”
“Idontknow,”Isaid,trembling。
“Richard,lease-”
WithherhandsinmineIheldhertightly。SuddenlyIfeltsomethingcomingoverme,athingthatstabbedmybodywithitsquickness。Itwasasifthewordsherfatherhadutteredwerebecomingcleartome。Ihadnotrealizedbeforethattherewassuchaloveashehadsokenof。Ihadbelievedthatmenneverlovedwomeninthesamewaythatawomanlovedaman,butnowIknewtherecouldbenodifference。
Wesatsilently,holdingeachothershandsforalongtime。Itwaslongastmidnight,becausethelightsinthevalleybelowwerebeingturnedout;buttimedidnotmatter。
Gretchenclungsoftlytome,lookinguintomyfaceandlayinghercheekagainstmyshoulder。Shewasasmuchmineasawomaneverbelongstoaman,butIknewthenthatIcouldneverforcemyselftotakeadvantageofherlove,andtogoawayknowingthatIhadnotlovedherasshelovedme。IhadnotbelievedanysuchthingwhenIcame。Ihadtraveledallthatdistancetoholdherinmyarmsforafewhours,andthentoforgether,erhasforever。
Whenitwastimeforustogointothehouse,Igotuandutmyarmsaroundher。ShetrembledwhenItouchedher,butsheclungtomeastightlyasIheldher,andthehammeringofherheartdroveintome,strokeafterstroke,likeanexandingwedge,thesearsofherbreasts。
“Richard,kissmebeforeyougo,”shesaid。
Sherantothedoor,holdingitoenforme。Sheickeduthelamfromthetableandwalkedaheaduthestairstothefloorabove。
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